WeeklySA_AdminSELF-AWARENESS: Pioneering university course teaching students a lesson rarely found in textbooks: how to understand themselves, communicate honestly and build healthier relationships. Psychologist Karen Dobkins says the key to happiness may lie, not in achievement, but in connection…
By Own Correspondent
For generations, people have searched for the secret to a happy and fulfilling life. Some have looked to wealth, career success, status or personal achievement.
Yet one of the longest-running studies ever conducted on human well-being has repeatedly pointed to a much simpler answer: relationships.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed participants for decades, found that strong, healthy relationships are among the most reliable predictors of happiness, health and longevity. But there is a catch. Healthy relationships with others often depend on having a healthy relationship with oneself. That deceptively simple insight lies at the heart of a ground-breaking programme at the University of California San Diego, where psychologist Professor Karen Dobkins is helping students learn something that schools rarely teach: how to be human.
The only truth I know is what’s happening
inside me. That’s the only thing I can report on faithfully.
Dobkins is the founder of Learning Sustainable Well-being: Compassion for Self and Others, a university course designed to equip students with practical skills for navigating emotions, relationships, conflict and self-awareness. The programme has become so successful that it is now being expanded across the campus.
Its popularity reflects a growing recognition that while students are trained to solve academic and professional challenges, many enter adulthood without learning how to manage emotional struggles, communicate effectively or build meaningful connections.
“What is the key to happiness?” Dobkins asks. Increasingly, the evidence suggests the answer lies in the quality of our relationships.
A scientist’s unexpected reinvention
Dobkins did not begin her career studying happiness and well-being. After earning a doctorate in neuroscience, she built a successful career as a visual neuroscientist, running a respected laboratory, publishing research and securing major grants.
Yet about a decade ago she found herself questioning whether she was still driven by the curiosity that first drew her into science. “I started to feel like I wasn’t acting like a scientist anymore,” she reflected. “I went into science for the joy of discovery.” The realization led to a dramatic decision. Dobkins closed down her established laboratory and started over in an entirely new field.
“It was a crazy scary decision,” she admitted.
That leap resulted in the creation of the Human Experience and Awareness Laboratory (HEALab), where she now studies how people flourish, struggle and find meaning in their lives.
At the same time, she developed the Learning Sustainable Well-being course, which focuses on emotional awareness, compassion, communication and resilience.
The approach appears to be working.
Research published in 2023 found that students who completed the programme showed measurable improvements in self-compassion, mindfulness, psychological well-being and compassion toward others. Participants also reported reduced loneliness and greater trust in themselves. Nearly all students surveyed said the course improved their overall well-being.
The danger of assuming
One of the programme’s central lessons challenges a habit most people engage in every day: assuming they know what others are thinking.
Human beings constantly interpret social cues. A change in tone, a delayed response or an awkward interaction can trigger immediate conclusions about another person’s intentions. The problem, Dobkins argues, is that those conclusions are often wrong.
A colleague who appears distant may be preoccupied with personal difficulties. A friend who does not respond to a message may simply be busy. Yet people frequently transform assumptions into certainty and then react emotionally to stories they have created in their own minds.
The course encourages students to pause before jumping to conclusions. Recognising that we are not mind readers can prevent misunderstandings from escalating into resentment.
Curiosity over certainty
Instead of making assumptions, Dobkins encourages people to ask questions. This sounds simple, but many people avoid direct conversations because they fear conflict or rejection. Yet a question can often prevent weeks or months of misunderstanding. Rather than concluding that someone deliberately ignored them, students learn to express what they observed and ask for clarification.
This shift from accusation to curiosity changes the tone of conversations. It creates space for understanding instead of defensiveness. At its core, it is a lesson in humility: acknowledging that our interpretation may not be the full story.
Learning to speak honestly
Another skill taught in the programme is honest self-expression. Many people struggle to communicate their feelings clearly. Instead, they accuse, blame or make assumptions about another person’s motives. Dobkins teaches students to focus on what they actually know. Rather than saying, “You don’t respect me,” they learn to describe a specific behaviour and its emotional impact.
For example: “When you looked at your phone during dinner, I felt ignored.” This approach reduces conflict because it avoids assigning motives that cannot be proven.
It also helps individuals take ownership of their emotional experience. “The only truth I know is what’s happening inside me,” Dobkins says.
Learning to express that truth clearly can transform relationships.
Looking beneath the surface
According to Dobkins, many arguments become trapped in endless debates over details. People spend enormous amounts of time explaining what happened, who said what and who was right.
Yet beneath the details often lies a more fundamental emotional experience.
The real issue may be feeling rejected, lonely, unimportant or unloved. When individuals identify and communicate those deeper emotions, conversations become more productive.
Instead of fighting over facts, people begin addressing needs. That shift can turn conflict into connection.
Emotions are information
The programme also challenges the widespread tendency to suppress uncomfortable emotions. Many people try to avoid feelings such as sadness, anger, jealousy or fear. Dobkins argues that emotions are not enemies to be defeated but sources of information to be understood. Difficult feelings often signal unmet needs, unresolved experiences or important concerns. Ignoring them does not make them disappear.
As Sigmund Freud famously observed, unexpressed emotions have a way of resurfacing, often in more destructive forms. The goal is not to let emotions take control but to become curious about what they may be trying to communicate.
Students learn to observe feelings without immediately reacting to them, creating space for greater awareness and wiser decisions.
Embracing the whole self
A particularly challenging aspect of the course involves confronting parts of ourselves we would rather ignore. Drawing on the work of psychologist Carl Jung, Dobkins encourages students to acknowledge qualities such as jealousy, insecurity, selfishness or resentment.
Many people deny these traits because they conflict with how they want to see themselves. Yet hidden qualities do not disappear. “If it’s in the shadow, it’s running the show,” Dobkins explains.
The objective is not self-judgment but self-awareness. Recognising uncomfortable aspects of ourselves allows us to understand them and reduce their unconscious influence. It is a reminder that imperfection is part of being human.
Escaping the comparison trap
Few challenges affect modern young people more than comparison. Social media platforms expose users to a constant stream of achievements, attractive lifestyles and carefully curated success stories. The result is often a relentless sense of inadequacy.
Dobkins believes society increasingly equates accomplishment with personal worth, creating pressure that many people struggle to escape. The course teaches students to recognise comparison when it occurs and release it more quickly. Comparing ourselves to others can make us feel inferior or superior, but neither state produces lasting happiness.
True well-being, she suggests, comes from accepting oneself rather than constantly measuring oneself against others.
Compassion in difficult situations
Compassion is another cornerstone of the programme. Importantly, Dobkins distinguishes compassion from excusing harmful behaviour.
Instead, compassion involves recognising that everyone struggles, makes mistakes and carries unseen burdens. Students are encouraged to consider whether they have ever displayed the same flaws they criticise in others.
This perspective does not eliminate accountability, but it can reduce hostility and create opportunities for constructive dialogue. The programme’s research found notable improvements in students’ ability to show compassion, particularly in difficult situations where empathy is often hardest to maintain.
Responsibility and repair
Perhaps the most challenging lesson of all is taking responsibility. In everyday conflicts, people often focus exclusively on what the other person did wrong. Dobkins encourages students to ask a different question: What role did I play? Even when their contribution seems small, acknowledging it can open the door to resolution. Sometimes the mistake is not speaking up, expressing a need or communicating honestly.
Many conflicts persist because people expect others to read their minds. Taking responsibility does not mean accepting blame for everything. It means recognising one’s part and being willing to repair the relationship.
A class on being human
Dobkins is careful to note that the programme is not a substitute for therapy or specialised mental-health treatment. It is designed to help students navigate ordinary challenges: stress, self-criticism, misunderstandings and everyday conflict.
Its broader goal is to cultivate greater awareness, resilience and connection. At a time when loneliness, anxiety and social fragmentation are growing concerns around the world, the programme offers a compelling reminder that well-being is not merely an individual pursuit.
It is built through relationships — with family, friends, colleagues, communities and, perhaps most importantly, ourselves. In a society obsessed with achievement, productivity and performance, Dobkins’ message is refreshingly simple.
Learning how to be a better human being may be one of the most important lessons of all. – Newswise
