WeeklySA_AdminFOREWARNED: In the newly released book, the author reminds singletons that dating is an extreme sport in which no one survives unscathed, yet implores them to plod on, regardless…
By Jacob Mawela
The love and attention you were given in the first seven years of your life determine the type of lover you seek and your ability to sustain a good relationship, purrs dating kitten Dudu Nhlabathi Madonsela.
Madonsela, a.k.a. “Dear Sis Dudu” or “your loving Rakgadi”, makes this assertion in her new tome, The Dating Playbook, which dropped this month of love.
A dating manual to navigate mjolo, as dating is colloquially referred to, Nhlabathi-Madonsela lets readers take heed the warning that dating is an extreme sport in which no one survives unscathed – reminding them that in order to find “The One”, they ought to get back in the game and keep at it.
Contained in book pages are lessons which include advice on online dating etiquette, practical flirting, seduction techniques – as well as tips for measuring your progress.
The author commences by highlighting how factors such as upbringing, location, socioeconomic issues, politics, etcetera, inform who and how humans date – with emphasis laid on understanding oneself first and being honest about what you want at various stages of your life.
For instance, with regard to nurturing environments, a psychologist she mentions suggested that those who grew up in chaotic family environments may seek out such chaos in their romantic lives – which is the converse of case studies’ findings that stable families comprising the presence of both parents in children’s lives are key to human survival.
A 1980s self-labelled daddy’s girl who grew up in Daveyton, Nhlabathi-Madonsela observed that as women outpaced men in income in South Africa, traditional gender roles become challenged, leading to men feeling insecure about their roles as providers.
That in turn gave rise to opportunistic types such as ‘rabaki’ (pickup artist) and ‘hobosexuals’ (romantic hobos) who present themselves under the guise of love while pursuing goals far removed from true affection.
Conversely, she juxtaposes such phenomenon to the rise of the high-value woman who transformed from flaunting her partially naked body on social media, to suddenly becoming a fully dressed and classy being – so as to present herself as a potential suitor to eligible men of ideal financial status!
Additionally, in a segment titled Dating for Survival, the dating coach draws a correlation betwixt the struggle to find genuine love and the prevailing economic conditions confronting many South Africans, leading to the prevalence of ‘blessers’ (‘sugar daddies’) who engage in transactional relationships characterized by financial benefit in exchange for sexual favours.
Parallel to that, economic compatibility has triggered a paradigm shift, whereby men enquire of women how they would be assets rather than liabilities in relationships – with the question, “What do you bring to the table?” increasingly posed.
Portraying a playing field which unfolds akin to navigating a minefield, the author mentions societal maladies such as: the stigma lately attached to Father’s Day annual observation as a reminder of men’s shortcomings in relationships; emboldened side chicks who – with the goal of economic survival in their purview – vie with married men’s wives to assume the status of becoming the main chicks; young women’s preference for married, financially stable men over single and broke one.
Such, she cautions, are some of the factors to identify in the world of dating – so that one may make informed decisions about whether investing their efforts in a person, male or female, is truly worthwhile?
Nhlabathi-Madonsela further draws attention to what she describes as “The Four Styles of Attachment” inherent in humans involved in the dating game, namely: Secure attachment, Anxious preoccupied attachment, Avoidant-dismissive attachment and Fearful-avoidant attachment.
She then continues onto research which, inter alia, state that girls who grow up with their fathers are more likely to have higher self-esteem, lower levels of risky sexual behavior and fewer difficulties in forming and maintaining romantic relationships later in life – whereas there’s a correlation between a father’s absence and a daughter’s likelihood of having an early pregnancy, bearing children out of wedlock and getting divorced.
Conversely, the statistics she pulls out regarding boys describe that approximately 70% of youth in prison come from fatherless homes!
In a segment titled You Are What You Believe, Nhlabathi-Madonsela reveals that the ‘East Rand girl syndrome’ insecurity she allowed to dictate her outlook regarding romantic relationships is relatable to why so many men and women don’t end up with their first choice! One’s ‘personal identity’ influences who you ultimately end up with, she asserts. It is crucial to recognize limiting beliefs in our own worth and desirability so as to break free from self-imposed constraints impeding us from cultivating connections we deserve. A series of tragic events involving a woman she knew who, along with three girlfriends of hers, ended up losing their lives at the hands of boyfriends whose love they believed in fighting for at all costs – served as a haunting lesson of ignoring red flags of having to choose wisely.
She implies that the general rule is ‘no more than six years up or down’ advisable for a generational gap. A girl born in 2003 would be lucky if a man born in the 1980s can go beyond three minutes, the coach stabbed!
Pondering the evolution of the dating scene, she bluntly puts it to women that no amount of proving their worth (whether through talk, showing off impressive dance moves or preparing gourmet meals) will make a man simply fall for them – either they’re genuinely interested in you, or not! A man can fall in love with a broke woman, while a woman would leave a man for being broke, she opines.
Avoid imitating the actions of ‘baddies’ who seek immediate gratification, while you desire a committed partner – she warns women. As women demand more from men, men have respondedby becoming more discerning in their search for a partner – a shift requiring women to evolve with dating standards. Most people spend the majority of their lives looking for the ‘ideal lover’ who will give them all that they have failed to give themselves, she observed – which results in people picking partners who appear good in accordance with their dreamy expectations, but don’t actually meettheir needs.
Nhlabathi-Madonsela also touches on the addictiveness of unrequited love – with her inferencing how she attracted many suitors while still single, who put up with her nonchalance in their determination to conquer her.
In the game of dating, she implies, men fall in love by doing and women fall in love by receiving.
Furthermore, she avers that for love to thrive, people have to be physically, mentally and emotionally attracted to their partners. Both sexes must never ignore the importance of maintaining a healthy physical appearance when seeking a lover, she advises, adding: educated women were more likely to get married to educated men!
In the “Learn to Play the Game” section, she teaches that one needs to define which segment and age bracket they want to play – concluding the chapter by enquiring via a template of self-reflection exercise: is your dating strategy anchored by modern dating trends?
In “The Dating Market Value” chapter, Nhlabathi-Madonsela – a banker by training – breaks down the dating concept which she defines as the ability to command your desired options based on how you are perceived by prospective lovers. Here, she applies a hypothetical case study using the Johari window (a visual framework utilized to improve communication and relationships) consisting of the four hydrants ofthe open, blind, hidden and unknown areas of oneself, to drive the point that if someone is attracted to another in the dating pool – they ought to be mindful that their subject of interest has subconsciously assigned a dating market value onto them.
The author eventually declares that if there is only one thing you can take away from this book, let it be this: THE MOST IMPORTANT DATING DECISION YOU WILL EVER MAKE IS CHOOSING WHO TO SAY
‘NO’ TO! Known as ‘The Peaceful One’ on social media, Nhlabathi-Madonsela tackles relationships and black family dynamics, aims to build one black family at a time by fostering deep conversations about how social conditions impact our interpersonal relationships.
•“The Dating Playbook” is published by Jonathan Ball Publishers. Available at leading bookstores countrywide, it retails for R280
